Dear J

Dear J,

I don't know what happened to us, but all I know was that we made ourselves happy for a short while. But when you left, you were still happy, while I was left weeping over the sweetest of memories we made together.

Your forever lasted for one month. It was the shortest forever I have ever experienced in my life. Thank you for that. For a month you made me feel that I am important and that I am unique and that I am loved. Your efforts were overwhelming. No one has ever done so much for me. I never thought someone would fetch me up at a bus stop on a midnight. Or would ask me to have dinner on a midnight. Or would check on my activities on a weekend. Or would actually ask me to spend my weekend with him. You were the first guy who visited our house. You knew mom and dad and we didn't care about their whereabouts. I told them we were friends. Because more than lovers, we were friends.

You are the sweetest boyfriend I ever had. I thought same sex relationships meant physical things. No nice clothes or nice gifts mean no love, but you proved me wrong. Yes, I treated you in some food shops. But all your efforts were priceless.

Me: Good morning J. Hope you'll have a good day today! Love you!

No reply.

Me: By the way, any plans today? You got class?

No reply.

Me: or you're going to gym today?

No fucking reply.

Yes, we came to this point. We came to a point when you can simply ignore me. I had no idea then what was happening to you. I thought I did something wrong, which I believe I did not, and I was right, because it was your personal problem. I had no idea until you called me later that night saying a word, repeated four times:

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I have no fucking idea what you were talking about. I hanged up the phone, waiting for your explanation, yet I heard nothing. It was painful for me to receive an apology when I don't even understand what it was all about. I want to tell you, J, that that was the longest three minutes of my life. It haunted me for a day or two until you finally told me what your sorry was for.

At first we were afraid to give us a chance. We were afraid to give our relationship a tag or something because we don't like commitments. I wished we were just afraid so it didn't come to a point where I actually hate you, which is now until forever (a kind of forever that doesn't last for a month). My suffering lasted for four months, J. It was four months and our relationship only lasted for a month. I never thought that a month of happiness is equivalent to four months of emotional and mental pains.

Our relationship, J, I realized, was more of sacrifices. We lost the real meaning of love. While it was visible that we admire each other, we forgot to value little things. We always looked at the bigger picture, ignored all the minutest details of our relationship.

Our relationship, J, I realized, was more of sacrifices. The results and consequences were only seen four months after. It took me a failing grade, an almost-termination from my org, a reprimand from my professor, and a separation from the real world to realize it, J.

I am not blaming you, J. It wasn't you. It was us. You made it into my system and I was too slow to move on, to the point it had affected my studies and personal activities. All the sweetest memories flash back, and liters of tears fall down.

Weeks ago, I declared it over. Yes, it was over four months ago but I have to declare it to myself. I deleted all your contacts (and I don't memorize them because for Pete's sake, they're numbers), unfollowed you on Twitter and blocked you on Facebook. I don't care what it means to you. It doesn't matter anymore. What matters more to me now is what my decisions mean to me.

It lasted for five months overall, and it's all over, J. It is about time to make it fair for my life. I am happy now for I have friends and somebody special who appreciate and love me for who I am without trying too hard.

Your contact details were deleted, but the memories you brought me, good or bad, will always be inside me. It taught me lessons and I am telling you, J, you are a very good teacher.

Until next time,

Vberni