MULA SA AMING 44 : A Letter from the #Fallen44

Sa mahal naming mga Pilipino,

Hindi madali ang mundong aming tinahak. Minsan kami mismo ay napapaisip kung tama ba ang napili naming propesyon, o bokasyon. Maaari naman kaming maging mabuting tao sa ibang paraan – pwedeng maging pilontropo, o guro, o simpleng tao. Pero pinili namin ang mapabilang sa kung saan kami naroroon ngayon, hindi dahil gusto naming maging bayani, kundi dahil nais naming maging tao – tao na handang ibuwis ang lahat: pamilya, kaibigan, kaligayahan, sariling buhay.

Pero kagaya ng pagiging tao, mayroon rin kaming kahinaan. Mga kahinaang kami lang sa grupo ang nakakaalam sapagkat ang aming imahe sa karamihan ay macho, brusko, kinatatakutan. Hindi kami maaaring magpakita ng kaunting takot, sapagkat sa aming tapang nakasalalay ang kahihinatnan ng bawat operasyon, ng bawat engkwentro. Hindi kami maaaring panghinaan ng loob sapagkat sa aming katatagan umaasa ang hinaharap ng bayan.

Madalas ikinukubli namin ang takot, lungkot, at pangamba sa aming mga uniporme, o iniiwan sa kampo, o binabaon sa kanto ng sintido para magampanan ang tungkuling aming sinumpaan: To serve and Protect. Para sa amin, mas mahalaga ang maipagtanggol ang ating bayan mula sa mga nais sumira ng kaayusan at kapayapaan.

Napakaraming sakripisyo ng aming trabaho, pero hindi namin ito alintana, mapagsilbihan lamang kayo. Kung ang halaga ng pagpapanatili ng kapayapaan para sa kasalukuyan at kinabukasan ay ang aming buhay, walang pag-aatubili naming ibubuwis ito.

Hindi kami ang una, hindi rin namin sigurado kung kami na ang huling mawawala mula sa isang engkwentro. Hindi namin sigurado kung saan patungo ang prosesong pangkapayapaan lalo pa ngayong nangyari ang isang madugong sagupaan sa pagitan namin at ng mga dapat sana’y aming mga kakampi mula doon sa sulok ng Mamasapano sa Maguindanao. Hindi namin alam kung karapat-dapat ba ang aming pagkawala gayong napakaraming tanong at agam-agam.

Gayunpaman, salamat sa pagturing sa amin bilang mga bagong bayani. Salamat sa medalya at plake ng katapangan na inyong ibinigay sa bawat isa sa aming miyembro ng binansagang “Fallen 44.” Pero ngayong wala na kami, at may naiwan kaming pamilya at responsibilidad, nawa’y mapakinggan ninyo ang aming mga munting kahilingan.

Sana ay mabigyan ng hustisya ang aming pagsasakripisyo, sapagkat wala nang mas sasakit pa sa isang kamatayang napakalabo (o walang) ng dahilan. Sana ay mapabilis ang paghahanap ng buong katotohanan, dahil mas nahihirapan ang aming pamilya na magpatuloy sa buhay nang hindi nakakamit ang inaasam nilang hustisya sa likod ng madugong bakbakan.

Sa aming asawa at mga pamilya, sana ay lagi ninyong ikwento ang aming istorya sa ating mga anak at magiging anak, sa aming mga kapatid, at sa mga susunod na henerasyon. Lagi ninyong ikwento ang kagandahan ng buhay na inilaan para sa bayan. Ituro ninyo sa kanila ang tamang uri ng pag-ibig – ang pag-ibig na hindi lamang para sa sarili kundi para sa nakararami; ang pag-ibig na kayang ibigay ang lahat para sa pangarap. ‘Wag sana ninyo kaming ibaon sa limot, sapagkat kung may mas masakit sa kamatayan, ito ay ang makalimutan.

Sa aming mga kadre, mga kapwa nagseserbisyo para sa bansa, sana ay huwag kayong matakot magpatuloy. Sana ay huwag kayong panghinaan ng loob na gawin ang inyong sinumpaang tungkulin, gaano man ka-delikado o kawalang kasiguruhan ang ating gingawa para sa bayan. Sa aming pagkawala, hindi namin alam kung makakamit ba ang kapayapaang ating inaasam, o kung mahuhuli ba ang mga may kasalanan sa batas, pero alam naming namatay kaming lumalaban. Serve and Protect lang, mga tropa.

Sa kabataan, sana ay huwag kayong matakot na tahakin ang landas tungo sa magandang bukas. Gumawa kayo ng mga bagay na may kabuluhan, sa paanong paraan man na inyong makakayanan. Sana ay tulungan ninyo ang aming hanay sa paggawa ng pagbabago, sapagkat hindi namin ito mararating kung kami lamang. Kailangan namin ng tulong ninyo, bilang mga taong punong-puno ng ideyalismo at pangarap. Samahan ninyo kami sa aming paglalakbay tungo sa mapayapang Pilipinas.

Sa sambayanan, sana ay maging mabuti kayong halimbawa sa mga susunod pang henerasyon. Tama na ang sisihan, panahon na para gumawa ng paraan. Patunayan ninyong hindi sayang ang aming buhay sa pamamagitan ng pagpapatuloy sa aming nasimulan. Sana ay magkaisa kayong lahat sa hangaring maayos ang ating sambayan. Isa lang ang Pilipinas, kaya’t sana’y magkaisa ang mga Pilipino – walang babae o lalaki, walang buo o kalahati, walang Muslim o Kristiyano.

Hindi kami ang unang nagsakripisyo, ngunit sana, kami na ang huli.

Sana.

Para sa bayan,

#Fallen44

It's Worth the Pain

The last quarter of 2014 has been, by far, the most challenging quarter of my life. Mainly because it was the quarter when I gave up my job at Project PEARLS for graduate studies. Well, it wasn’t really that I regret my choices as I believe we are responsible for the choices we make. The thing was, I think I didn’t have enough time to digress from the routine I have for the last seven months, like going to the communities I embraced and almost made my own, the children who greet me every time I go the areas we serve, the volunteers who I became friends with. Maybe it’s true that it’s really hard to just simply set aside something you’ve loved and you’ve considered your life, but life has to move forward and there will always come a time where new beginnings should be made.

It’s hard to build another story from scratch, but it’s always worth the pain.

In November, I started going back to school for my graduate studies. I was able to pass the Polytechnic University of the Philippine’s qualifying examinations for the Master’s Program, and eventually enrolled under Masters in Communication with Specialization in Communication Management program. The first few weeks were as boring as one could imagine, but the succeeding weeks were equally thrilling and insightful. The good thing about the liberal education PUP is promoting is that it invites healthy discussions, and accepts constructive criticisms and scrutiny. There were days where debates could really heat up (especially in our Public Information Campaigns class, where our professor is the Communications Head of the Government Information Office, and the class is a mixture of social democrats, re-affirmists, humanists, etc.)

While it was a good start for a new story, there were still a lot of questions. Why did I leave my job for this? Was the decision right? What would happen to me in the process? Will employers still accept me? Where did I go wrong?

There were too many questions I never dared to answer anyway. Simply because I already was too worried about the future I forgot to worry about the present. I was too engrossed with the problems that only exist in my mind. This 2015, I told myself there should be more than just simply asking.

           

One morning I told myself to stop asking why and start knowing how. I realized there are still more work to be done and life is a never-ending process of giving and taking, of loving and losing, of ending and beginning.

I’m still nowhere in the middle, but what’s more important is that I already started.

It’s hard to build another story from scratch, but it’s always worth the pain.

Of Leaving and Coming Back

Two years.

The past two years (2013, 2014) have been special, and life has its fair share of ups and downs. The past 730 days were spent very well, for all the things that has happened in my life. There were days of certain happiness, of surprisingly good rides, of unexpected meetings of hearts and minds, of regrets, of longing and losing, of leaving and coming back. There were 'normal' days, and there were days I wished had never existed at all.

Why did I leave? Or why did I not write for the past two years, considering the roller coaster ride of emotions and events? What was I thinking in the process? Why was it so easy for me to forsake the thing I have always loved? 

Truth is, I never left writing. I could never leave writing as it has been an almost reflex action for me when I feel good [but mostly bad]. Maybe the right words to describe the hiatus was that I've gone more private. You see, my life has been constantly open to everyone, especially to my  friends. When I feel too terrible about the government and its actions, I write my position about it. When I feel hurt, broken or dysfunctional, I write it out and share to people my thoughts and feelings. The open web has been my "feels" buddy, hoping that sharing it to the public would ease the pain or would make a change or would actually matter. While there are no standard measurements to know all about these, I just feel like I've never done enough.

In 2013, I've focused more on my schooling, since it was the final lap of my college life. Being a senior student was tougher than I thought it would, especially when you are a Public Relations major. There's an org you have to run as a committee chairperson, there's a new batch you have to guide so that when you leave, they are ready to take over, there were events to be staged, there were competitions you join and win, but mostly there were classes to attend, exams to pass, campaigns to be done, films to make, designs to think of, and the list goes on.

I wonder how on earth I have managed to survive [and do] these things, especially that there's a thesis to finish. Personally, I had an aim to receive the "Best Thesis Award" particularly because research has always been my favorite subject [and that if there's a chance to teach in PLM, I would really choose to be a Research Instructor]. I was so engrossed in the research processes I never thought time flew that fast.

I managed to survive the year. I have received accolades and awards [a Student Quill Merit Award, at that], I have submitted academic requirements, staged the events I've always thought of doing, finally passed my Technical Writing class [which I failed in my first take, and the first and last academic failure I've had in my life], became a part [and the concept creator] of a documentary about the Million People March [which, by the way won the Gold Award from the College of Liberal Arts' Documentary Filmmaking competition], have produced a full-length film entitled "Ching Chong Chinatown," [which was hailed as the Best Film, Full Length Category in the 2nd PLM-CMC Gawad Alon para sa Pelikula]. met more like-minded people, broke walls and built more bridges. There were a lot of good things that happened in 2013, and I actually claimed it as my year.

In 2014, there were more awards received, I graduated from college, had my first job, eventually my second job, and then I traveled places, necessarily burned bridges [and/or] built walls, reconnected with some important people. summing up the year and all that's happened are in this note.

Romantic relationships weren't that much of a priority for the past two years, as I've wanted to focus on my academics, and eventually, my working life. Although there were actually instances I felt like I actually needed someone to at my side, to share my stories, my rants about life and living, to share my victories, and to love me unconditionally. But because I am a chaser, and not willing to wait [hmm, okay. Most of the time.], I tried to make wrong people right. The results weren't something to be proud of. I tried looking for love over the internet, social dating apps, but of course there were only few people who are actually looking for serious stuff in these apps or whatever. There were some serious people, too, but those always end with being serious friends. Not. A. Bad. Thing. Though. (Hi, Dom!)

I was known by friends as the most sentimental person in the world. I cry over the littlest things and I value the smallest details of everything. A simple gesture could mean a lot to me, and being that sentimental and appreciative person are in my core of being [you could also read my alphabet of feelings never said in this page]. The past two years, I've tried to be strong, not for anybody else but for myself. I know I just have to be emotionally strong. While crying is not a bad thing [emotionally and well, scientifically], too much crying is just making me a plain target of pains and torments. I tried to lessen the crying that there was a time I just broke down, crying over the layers of self-disappointments, regrets, and could-have-beens. I'm trying to be more mindful about what I think now.

So yes, now I am finally reviving this space, the space for my personal thoughts because (1) it really helped me unload my thoughts and feelings, and (2) because I'm trying to create a space where I could inspire people through my experiences and thoughts. I hope you'd walk along in this journey with me.

My personal favorite blogger, Isa Garcia said in her post, The Staying Philosophy that, "...heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return." I have experienced leaving, walked through and got lost in unknown abysses of life, met wonderful people in the process, and that has made me the person that I am today. I may have left this space for some time, but what's important is that I am coming back, as a better version of myself and as a person who's willing to be more open to life's great surprises.

Please be with me in this journey, again.