Of Leaving and Coming Back

Two years.

The past two years (2013, 2014) have been special, and life has its fair share of ups and downs. The past 730 days were spent very well, for all the things that has happened in my life. There were days of certain happiness, of surprisingly good rides, of unexpected meetings of hearts and minds, of regrets, of longing and losing, of leaving and coming back. There were 'normal' days, and there were days I wished had never existed at all.

Why did I leave? Or why did I not write for the past two years, considering the roller coaster ride of emotions and events? What was I thinking in the process? Why was it so easy for me to forsake the thing I have always loved? 

Truth is, I never left writing. I could never leave writing as it has been an almost reflex action for me when I feel good [but mostly bad]. Maybe the right words to describe the hiatus was that I've gone more private. You see, my life has been constantly open to everyone, especially to my  friends. When I feel too terrible about the government and its actions, I write my position about it. When I feel hurt, broken or dysfunctional, I write it out and share to people my thoughts and feelings. The open web has been my "feels" buddy, hoping that sharing it to the public would ease the pain or would make a change or would actually matter. While there are no standard measurements to know all about these, I just feel like I've never done enough.

In 2013, I've focused more on my schooling, since it was the final lap of my college life. Being a senior student was tougher than I thought it would, especially when you are a Public Relations major. There's an org you have to run as a committee chairperson, there's a new batch you have to guide so that when you leave, they are ready to take over, there were events to be staged, there were competitions you join and win, but mostly there were classes to attend, exams to pass, campaigns to be done, films to make, designs to think of, and the list goes on.

I wonder how on earth I have managed to survive [and do] these things, especially that there's a thesis to finish. Personally, I had an aim to receive the "Best Thesis Award" particularly because research has always been my favorite subject [and that if there's a chance to teach in PLM, I would really choose to be a Research Instructor]. I was so engrossed in the research processes I never thought time flew that fast.

I managed to survive the year. I have received accolades and awards [a Student Quill Merit Award, at that], I have submitted academic requirements, staged the events I've always thought of doing, finally passed my Technical Writing class [which I failed in my first take, and the first and last academic failure I've had in my life], became a part [and the concept creator] of a documentary about the Million People March [which, by the way won the Gold Award from the College of Liberal Arts' Documentary Filmmaking competition], have produced a full-length film entitled "Ching Chong Chinatown," [which was hailed as the Best Film, Full Length Category in the 2nd PLM-CMC Gawad Alon para sa Pelikula]. met more like-minded people, broke walls and built more bridges. There were a lot of good things that happened in 2013, and I actually claimed it as my year.

In 2014, there were more awards received, I graduated from college, had my first job, eventually my second job, and then I traveled places, necessarily burned bridges [and/or] built walls, reconnected with some important people. summing up the year and all that's happened are in this note.

Romantic relationships weren't that much of a priority for the past two years, as I've wanted to focus on my academics, and eventually, my working life. Although there were actually instances I felt like I actually needed someone to at my side, to share my stories, my rants about life and living, to share my victories, and to love me unconditionally. But because I am a chaser, and not willing to wait [hmm, okay. Most of the time.], I tried to make wrong people right. The results weren't something to be proud of. I tried looking for love over the internet, social dating apps, but of course there were only few people who are actually looking for serious stuff in these apps or whatever. There were some serious people, too, but those always end with being serious friends. Not. A. Bad. Thing. Though. (Hi, Dom!)

I was known by friends as the most sentimental person in the world. I cry over the littlest things and I value the smallest details of everything. A simple gesture could mean a lot to me, and being that sentimental and appreciative person are in my core of being [you could also read my alphabet of feelings never said in this page]. The past two years, I've tried to be strong, not for anybody else but for myself. I know I just have to be emotionally strong. While crying is not a bad thing [emotionally and well, scientifically], too much crying is just making me a plain target of pains and torments. I tried to lessen the crying that there was a time I just broke down, crying over the layers of self-disappointments, regrets, and could-have-beens. I'm trying to be more mindful about what I think now.

So yes, now I am finally reviving this space, the space for my personal thoughts because (1) it really helped me unload my thoughts and feelings, and (2) because I'm trying to create a space where I could inspire people through my experiences and thoughts. I hope you'd walk along in this journey with me.

My personal favorite blogger, Isa Garcia said in her post, The Staying Philosophy that, "...heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return." I have experienced leaving, walked through and got lost in unknown abysses of life, met wonderful people in the process, and that has made me the person that I am today. I may have left this space for some time, but what's important is that I am coming back, as a better version of myself and as a person who's willing to be more open to life's great surprises.

Please be with me in this journey, again.