Of Leaving and Coming Back

Two years.

The past two years (2013, 2014) have been special, and life has its fair share of ups and downs. The past 730 days were spent very well, for all the things that has happened in my life. There were days of certain happiness, of surprisingly good rides, of unexpected meetings of hearts and minds, of regrets, of longing and losing, of leaving and coming back. There were 'normal' days, and there were days I wished had never existed at all.

Why did I leave? Or why did I not write for the past two years, considering the roller coaster ride of emotions and events? What was I thinking in the process? Why was it so easy for me to forsake the thing I have always loved? 

Truth is, I never left writing. I could never leave writing as it has been an almost reflex action for me when I feel good [but mostly bad]. Maybe the right words to describe the hiatus was that I've gone more private. You see, my life has been constantly open to everyone, especially to my  friends. When I feel too terrible about the government and its actions, I write my position about it. When I feel hurt, broken or dysfunctional, I write it out and share to people my thoughts and feelings. The open web has been my "feels" buddy, hoping that sharing it to the public would ease the pain or would make a change or would actually matter. While there are no standard measurements to know all about these, I just feel like I've never done enough.

In 2013, I've focused more on my schooling, since it was the final lap of my college life. Being a senior student was tougher than I thought it would, especially when you are a Public Relations major. There's an org you have to run as a committee chairperson, there's a new batch you have to guide so that when you leave, they are ready to take over, there were events to be staged, there were competitions you join and win, but mostly there were classes to attend, exams to pass, campaigns to be done, films to make, designs to think of, and the list goes on.

I wonder how on earth I have managed to survive [and do] these things, especially that there's a thesis to finish. Personally, I had an aim to receive the "Best Thesis Award" particularly because research has always been my favorite subject [and that if there's a chance to teach in PLM, I would really choose to be a Research Instructor]. I was so engrossed in the research processes I never thought time flew that fast.

I managed to survive the year. I have received accolades and awards [a Student Quill Merit Award, at that], I have submitted academic requirements, staged the events I've always thought of doing, finally passed my Technical Writing class [which I failed in my first take, and the first and last academic failure I've had in my life], became a part [and the concept creator] of a documentary about the Million People March [which, by the way won the Gold Award from the College of Liberal Arts' Documentary Filmmaking competition], have produced a full-length film entitled "Ching Chong Chinatown," [which was hailed as the Best Film, Full Length Category in the 2nd PLM-CMC Gawad Alon para sa Pelikula]. met more like-minded people, broke walls and built more bridges. There were a lot of good things that happened in 2013, and I actually claimed it as my year.

In 2014, there were more awards received, I graduated from college, had my first job, eventually my second job, and then I traveled places, necessarily burned bridges [and/or] built walls, reconnected with some important people. summing up the year and all that's happened are in this note.

Romantic relationships weren't that much of a priority for the past two years, as I've wanted to focus on my academics, and eventually, my working life. Although there were actually instances I felt like I actually needed someone to at my side, to share my stories, my rants about life and living, to share my victories, and to love me unconditionally. But because I am a chaser, and not willing to wait [hmm, okay. Most of the time.], I tried to make wrong people right. The results weren't something to be proud of. I tried looking for love over the internet, social dating apps, but of course there were only few people who are actually looking for serious stuff in these apps or whatever. There were some serious people, too, but those always end with being serious friends. Not. A. Bad. Thing. Though. (Hi, Dom!)

I was known by friends as the most sentimental person in the world. I cry over the littlest things and I value the smallest details of everything. A simple gesture could mean a lot to me, and being that sentimental and appreciative person are in my core of being [you could also read my alphabet of feelings never said in this page]. The past two years, I've tried to be strong, not for anybody else but for myself. I know I just have to be emotionally strong. While crying is not a bad thing [emotionally and well, scientifically], too much crying is just making me a plain target of pains and torments. I tried to lessen the crying that there was a time I just broke down, crying over the layers of self-disappointments, regrets, and could-have-beens. I'm trying to be more mindful about what I think now.

So yes, now I am finally reviving this space, the space for my personal thoughts because (1) it really helped me unload my thoughts and feelings, and (2) because I'm trying to create a space where I could inspire people through my experiences and thoughts. I hope you'd walk along in this journey with me.

My personal favorite blogger, Isa Garcia said in her post, The Staying Philosophy that, "...heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return." I have experienced leaving, walked through and got lost in unknown abysses of life, met wonderful people in the process, and that has made me the person that I am today. I may have left this space for some time, but what's important is that I am coming back, as a better version of myself and as a person who's willing to be more open to life's great surprises.

Please be with me in this journey, again.

Doseng Pasasalamat

Gaya ng lagi kong sinasabi, eksperimental ang 2012 para sa akin. Ito ang taon kung kailan kumawala ako sa personal kong kahon-- isang pagrerebelde para sa ikauunlad ng aking sarili.

Maraming taong dumating sa taong ito: Ang iba ay literal na dumaan, ang iba ay tumambay, ngunit marami ang nagtagal. Maraming sumalo sa eksperimento. Marami rin ang nagpasalo. Kaya't ngayon ay pasasalamatan ko ang ilang mga tao na labis ang naiambag sa paglago ko para sa taong ito. 

 Sobrang salamat, Camille, dahil nagkaroon ako ng kaibigan na kagaya mo. Sa'yo ko natutunan kung paano maging rational at prudent. Ikaw yung nagturo sa akin ng maturity, at ikaw ang nagmulat sa akin sa totoong mundo. Salamat kasi kahit noong bata pa ako, nagtiwala ka na sa kakayahan ko. Salamat kasi ikaw yung kauna-unahang tao na nagsabi sa akin na madami akong kayang gawin. Kung wala ka, hindi ko alam kung ano ako ngayon. Salamat! Mahal kita at si Mandy!

12 Best Memories of 2012

Sobrang daming memories ng 2012. I admit, kulang yung 12 para sa countdown, pero dahil 2012, kailangan. Lol. Eto yung 12 memories na feeling ko, sobrang tumatak sa akin. Hihi.

 Sobrang saya kasi, this year, naging parte ako ng shoot ni sir Elvert for Pintig. Best memory yun kasi, first time mag-shoot ni sir sa PLM and it was such a big privilege to be a part of it. Sobrang nakakainspire si sir. and sobrang overwhelming yung tiwala niya sa akin kaya nga ginawa ko din lahat para maibigay sa kanya pabalik yung tiwala na yun.

 Officially, Sandinawa. Highlight of the year. Hello PR Majors Family. Ang laki ng back story kung bakit ako nag-exam, kung bakit ko ginusto itong path na ito, kung bakit kahit na mahiwalay ako sa best friends ko eh, nag-go ako.

12 Best Photos of 2012

2012 is a milestone for me. This year, I acquired my own camera (Voltz, a Canon 60D) and it let me explore the wonderful world of photography. I cannot say anything more about the photos, but yes,  I selected my 12 best shots for this year. Now, take a look at it. =)

12. Silhouettes and Fire (RAW)

Taken September 3, 2012 | PLM

I love this photograph because the sky is overly dramatic and the Gusaling Lacson is just so photogenic. Hahaha!

Dear J

Dear J,

I don't know what happened to us, but all I know was that we made ourselves happy for a short while. But when you left, you were still happy, while I was left weeping over the sweetest of memories we made together.

Your forever lasted for one month. It was the shortest forever I have ever experienced in my life. Thank you for that. For a month you made me feel that I am important and that I am unique and that I am loved. Your efforts were overwhelming. No one has ever done so much for me. I never thought someone would fetch me up at a bus stop on a midnight. Or would ask me to have dinner on a midnight. Or would check on my activities on a weekend. Or would actually ask me to spend my weekend with him. You were the first guy who visited our house. You knew mom and dad and we didn't care about their whereabouts. I told them we were friends. Because more than lovers, we were friends.

Walang Lokohan!

Ang Walang Lokohan! ay unang nailathala sa Ang Pamantasan: The Official Student Publication of the Pamantasan gn Lungsod ng Maynila

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Mas matalino at mapanuri na ang mga tao ngayon. Parang awa niyo na, walang lokohan. Kung manloloko man kayo, ‘wag kayong magpapahalata.

Uso ngayon ang pabanguhan sa gobyerno. Ang kaso, hindi Victoria’s Secret ang ginagamit nila kaya labis pa rin ang pag-alingasaw ng kanilang mga baho. Ang problema kasi, ginagawa nilang mangmang ang kapwa nila Pilipino.

Unahin na natin ang ating mahal na pangulo. Nitong Setyembre 20 lamang, ginanap ang Open Government Summit sa America at naimbitahan nga si PNoy upang magtalumpati sa harap ng ilang lider ng iba’t-ibang bansa. D’yusko naman. Kung ang mga dayuhan ay naloko mo, hindi kaming mga matatalinong Pilipino.

Matatandaan sa aking nakaraang kolum na pinamagatang FYI, FOI!, ang gobyerno ay masasabing bukas sa kanyang mga nasasakupan kung mayroong batas na magbibigay karapatan sa tao na usigin ang pamahalaan, at ito nga ang Freedom of Information Bill. Ngayon, paano magkakaroon ng karapatan ang isang bansa na magsalita sa harap ng ilan pang mga bansa kung ito mismo ay takot magkaroon ng bukas na pamahalaan? Sapat na ba ang platapormang anti-corruption para masabing bukas ang gobyerno? Para sa gobyerno, ipasa niyo muna ang Freedom of Information Bill at kahit magsalita pa kayo sa lahat ng bansa sa mundo. Hindi niyo kami maloloko.

Malaki ang naging pinsala ng kamaynilaan sa hagupit ng malupit na bagyong Pedring. Maraming lugar sa Kalakhang Maynila ang nalubog sa baha, nasira ang ari-arian, pati ang mga likas na yaman. Naitampok pa sa radyo, telebisyon at peryodiko ang sinapit ng Manila Bay dala ng paghampas ng malalaking alon. Nakakalungkot. Pero ayon nga sa mga pulitiko at mga papoging pinuno, ang kalungkutan ng karamihan ay kanilang kasiyahan. Siyempre, opportunity ito para makapagpabango sila sa inaakala nilang mga tangang tao.

Para kay V

Tuldok.

            Sino’ng mag-aakalang magkakaroon ng katapusan ang bagay na hindi pa nasisimulan? Paano ba malalaman kung tapos na ito?  Dito nga ba nagwawakas ang mga bagay sa mundo o hudyat lamang ito ng panibagong simula? At sino ba ang nakaimbento ng pagmamahal?

            “Hindi mabilis mapagod ang puso. Lahat ng sakit, hapdi at pait, kaya nitong tiisin. Kasi mahal mo ‘yung tao at gagawin mo ang lahat para maramdaman niya ito,”

Ito ang sabi sa akin ng aking kaibigan noong mga panahong nagkausap kami nang masinsinan tungkol sa aming mga nararamdaman at ilang mga kwentong katangahan.

Cinemalaya: Ang Babae Sa Septic Tank

Ang Babae sa Septic Tank ay pinagbibidahan ni Eugene Domingo, Kean Cipriano, JM de Guzman at Cai Cortez. Ito ay isang pelikulang paluluhain ka sa tawa, papatayin ka sa sigaw at bubuhayin ang iyong patay na sistema patungkol sa realidad ng buhay.

Ang pelikulang Septic Tank ay nagsimula sa narration ng ilan sa sequences ng manuskrito ni Direk Rainier (Kean). Mula rito ay dumako ang eksena sa pre-prod sa Starbucks, courtesy call mula sa lead actress na si Eugene Domingo hanggang sa pagbisita sa Payatas na kanilang setting. Kasama niya rito ang kanyang producer na si Bingbong (JM) at Prod Assistant na si Jocelyn (Cai).