23 #Hugot lessons I learned from Maranat climb

Last long weekend, I was tagged along by Gillian in a spontaneous overnight hike at Mt. Maranat in Bulacan. I’ve been longing to climb mountains again (but plans get postponed because of the weather), and with his invitation (and knowing how “beast mode” he is) I didn’t say no. Also, this is our first climb together, with some of our workmates.

As we climb the mountain, thoughts have been tickling my mind and there is no better way to share them but this blog. So, here are the 23 things I learned from Maranat Climb.

1. Bago ka umakyat, make sure you’re ready. Dahil mahirap magdalawang-isip kapag nasa kalagitnaan ka na.

2. Siguraduhing wala kang nakalimutan bago ka umakyat. Hindi magandang kapag nasa taas ka na, saka mo mari-realize na may kulang pala, dahil hindi laging mayroong pupuno sa kakulangan mo.  

3. Alalahaning maigi kung ano lang ang dapat dalhin. ‘Wag sobra, masyadong mabigat; ‘wag kulang, masyadong magaan. Importanteng ang dala mo ay sapat lang.

4. ‘Wag kang masyadong magmagaling dahil hindi mo alam ang lahat ng bagay. Mag-hire ng guide.

5. Pero kung trip mong magmagaling at ayaw mong mag-hire ng guide, edi go! Kapag naligaw ka, ito ang tandaan mo: Wala kang ibang dapat sisihin kundi ang sarili mo. Akala mo kaya mo nang mag-isa? That’s the price you pay for thinking you know it all.

7. There is a trail for a reason. Kahit dito man lang, matuto kang sumunod.

8. Be nice to people you meet along the way. Nice lang ha, ‘wag malandi. #DyanKaMagaling

9. Pahinga ang solusyon sa pagod, hindi pagsuko. Kung pakiramdam mo napapagod ka dahil sa dami ng ‘ups and downs,’ pwede namang magpahinga, hindi ‘yung susuko ka agad. ‘Di ganun ‘yun, bro.

10. Kung gusto mong magpahinga, magsabi ka. Para hindi ka iwanan.

11. Madaming assault, pero kaya.

12. Gusto mong makarating ng campsite? Kailangang mag-zipline. Matakot ka na sa lahat, wag lang sa heights.

14. Lahat ng magagandang bagay (kagaya ng campsite at summit), dinadaan sa tiyaga.

16. Pero kung madapa ka man at masaktan, tumayo ka agad. Tuloy lang ang lakad.

17. Magkakasugat ka, pero maghihilom din yan, naturally. Ni hindi mo mamamalayang nasugatan ka pala.

18. Invest on the right things. Tent, bag, shoes, ganyan. Hindi yung puro emosyon ini-invest mo, sa mali pang tao.

19. Leave no trace. Applies to all aspects of your madramang life.

20. Kahit gaano mo kagustong mag-stay sa tuktok, dadating talaga yung oras na kailangan mong bumaba to face the reality.

21. Kapag pababa ka na ng bundok, mas nagiging maingat ka kasi naranasan mo nang matumba, madapa, at masugatan. Ayaw mo nang maulit yun. Unless super tanga mo edi g lang.

22. Hindi ka pagsasamantalahan sa “Mini Stop” store sa Maranat. Biruin mo, sa bundok ka pa makakakita ng hindi mananamantala sa’yo.

A letter to my 20-year old self

Dear 20-year old self,

First of all, I would like to say it has been a tough journey, but all tough roads lead to memorable, life-changing experiences. It was a crossover to two different yet interconnected roads - and you have, by far, traveled really well.

The past two decades have been really memorable, and it marked the end of your "young" journey. You graduated from college, got and lost your first job, explored a new horizon in an attempt to make a change, but the system was too strong to be ideal. Finally, you've been tricked by life and brought you to your first love - in fact the reason why you took communications as your degree - writing.

You've been an active part of the society. You've fought a lot of battles, some of which you still continue, and you are fighting for the right reasons. At a young age you learned how important it is to have principles, and it is more valuable than any amount of material possessions the world could offer.

You've told the world how proud you are being gay, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of most especially if you're trying to be a responsible person. You understood that being accepted in a conservative country is a crusade, but you never lost hope that one day, people won't judge you based on the gender you have chosen but based on how good you tried to live.

You've made big mistakes, sure it had repercussions, but you managed to make that an instrument to step up and be better. As a person who actually is afraid of committing mistakes, it's very unusual for you to accept that you did wrong, and that you're willing to learn to produce better results.

You've loved and lost, you gave your all and were shortchanged. You were underestimated, under-appreciated, sometimes forgotten, but you still give the same love - despite all the bad possibilities it could pose. You were ready to get hurt, because you believe that it is part of the process, but you are doing what you can to keep the relationship in good shape.

It has been a tough journey, but all tough roads lead to life-changing memories.

Thank you for being weak, you learned how to be strong.

Thank you for making mistakes, you learned how to get up and keep going.

You are not perfect, but you are enough. 

To a great year ahead, 

Vberni

Better, not Best

Growing up, I was told by my parents to be the best in everything I do. Like what I always say, I think I won the parent lottery because my parents are pretty much supportive in all the things I go into. Well, honestly, my mom wanted me to become a nurse, but later on decided to support me in pursuing what I really wanted to become – a communicator. My dad was always there to drop me to school when I needed to be early (or when I was too lazy to commute), or pick me up when I needed to go home very late. They were too supportive practically because they see me exerting every inch of effort I have in everything I do, and they were proud of my achievements.

Truth is, I am afraid of making failures. I am afraid of committing mistakes especially when people are looking at me. Maybe most of my group mates in various courses and activities could attest. For me the culture of "being the best" is very important, in fact necessary. If there are room for improvements, if we can still think of anything better than what we did, I would demand an overhaul even up to the last minute. I cry so loud when I see my team not doing things the way I wanted it to be. I don't believe in plan Bs, because only plan A would work.

I lived in the thought that I can only be the best. I was drowned in the noise of applause, thought that everything's for me. Then I woke up one day, realizing that people behind me have already left, practically because they think I'm not the best, because I can never be the best if I'm not even good to begin with.

That's the truth. You can never be the best if you're not even good to begin with.

I was too afraid to make mistakes I didn't realize it's human to make one. I was too afraid to be judged as a weakling, or a loser, not realizing that I am not living to please others but myself.

I came into deep reflection. I lived life the way it should be. I entertained criticisms, even the most painful ones, because listening to others telling you that you make mistakes humbles you and makes you strive for the better. I listened attentively to tips and advices, and tried to learn day by day.

The experiences and mistakes have made me realize to always strive for the better - not best. Every day I wake up and pray that I become a better version of myself. I stopped comparing myself to others because it doesn't help me get closer to what I want to become.

I guess being able to accept that you make mistakes and you can be better than who you are are signs of becoming more matured. And now, I am more than willing to commit mistakes, learn from those, listen to criticisms that matter. I am willing to change the person that I was to the person that I can become - a person oozing with potential once he admits he's never good enough until he learns.

Now, I'm trying to make my parents even prouder by being me. I hope being better is being the best for them.

Here's to becoming better and better, one day at a time. 

Review: That Thing Called Tadhana

Perhaps what sets Tadhana apart from other films about loving and losing, and moving on at that, is that it tries to convey a story in its simplest form - no pretentious plots, no unimaginable twists and turns, no need for overrated dramas.

The film basically asks us where broken hearts really go - Rome, Manila, Baguio, Sagada - and what exactly do it do there? We follow the unexpected crossing of paths between Mace, a woman so smart to be dumb at love, trying to get rid of excess baggage at the airport, and Anthony, a guy so charming and gentleman who helped the former. Mace's luggages perfectly describe how she loves - so full and excess without even thinking of leaving anything behind. She's that give-it-all woman when it comes to love, and everything that is too much is not good.

Anthony plays a huge part in Mace's journey to trying to move on. He was that unknown person who tries to console a woman with a heavy heart, and he was there every step of the way. In the film we try to ask, why choose to be with this woman you actually don't know, who at times makes scandalous acts when you can stay away from her and try to continue with the life's comforts? But maybe because there are some stories that begin with unexpected meetings, followed by a stage where we try to know the person beyond their face values that we stay.

As the film progresses, we see where Mace's emotions are coming from - a breakup with a boyfriend for eight long and wonderful years justifies it all. She tries to tell her story as emotional as possible, and Anthony was there, all ears. Anthony tries to give honest advice to Mace, despite her not really knowing him, hence the line, "Ang sakit mo namang magsalita, close ba tayo?!" There were impulsive trips, and those were the places where we try to forget parts of our lives.

Tadhana is an attempt to make people realize that moving on is a process, and while the duration will always vary on how one clings to every memory, it establishes the idea that it is the product that is more important than the time it was achieved. The film tries to suggest ways to forget - travel, know other people - but really, it is more of trying to make us remember how we became really, really dumb because of love. We laugh at those memories that made us cry before.

We learn how to leave our baggages and try to bring what only matters, in an attempt to make space for breathing and living.

If Tadhana is not a cinema gem, I don't know what is. The film pushes the boundaries of storytelling to its known limits, and while there are plots that promise so many things, there is Tadhana that is so simple and only promises one huge thing: moving forward.

Thank you, Direk Tonet for giving us a film where we can easily put ourselves into. Like Mace, we are you know, tatanga-tanga.

Rating: 5/5

MULA SA AMING 44 : A Letter from the #Fallen44

Sa mahal naming mga Pilipino,

Hindi madali ang mundong aming tinahak. Minsan kami mismo ay napapaisip kung tama ba ang napili naming propesyon, o bokasyon. Maaari naman kaming maging mabuting tao sa ibang paraan – pwedeng maging pilontropo, o guro, o simpleng tao. Pero pinili namin ang mapabilang sa kung saan kami naroroon ngayon, hindi dahil gusto naming maging bayani, kundi dahil nais naming maging tao – tao na handang ibuwis ang lahat: pamilya, kaibigan, kaligayahan, sariling buhay.

Pero kagaya ng pagiging tao, mayroon rin kaming kahinaan. Mga kahinaang kami lang sa grupo ang nakakaalam sapagkat ang aming imahe sa karamihan ay macho, brusko, kinatatakutan. Hindi kami maaaring magpakita ng kaunting takot, sapagkat sa aming tapang nakasalalay ang kahihinatnan ng bawat operasyon, ng bawat engkwentro. Hindi kami maaaring panghinaan ng loob sapagkat sa aming katatagan umaasa ang hinaharap ng bayan.

Madalas ikinukubli namin ang takot, lungkot, at pangamba sa aming mga uniporme, o iniiwan sa kampo, o binabaon sa kanto ng sintido para magampanan ang tungkuling aming sinumpaan: To serve and Protect. Para sa amin, mas mahalaga ang maipagtanggol ang ating bayan mula sa mga nais sumira ng kaayusan at kapayapaan.

Napakaraming sakripisyo ng aming trabaho, pero hindi namin ito alintana, mapagsilbihan lamang kayo. Kung ang halaga ng pagpapanatili ng kapayapaan para sa kasalukuyan at kinabukasan ay ang aming buhay, walang pag-aatubili naming ibubuwis ito.

Hindi kami ang una, hindi rin namin sigurado kung kami na ang huling mawawala mula sa isang engkwentro. Hindi namin sigurado kung saan patungo ang prosesong pangkapayapaan lalo pa ngayong nangyari ang isang madugong sagupaan sa pagitan namin at ng mga dapat sana’y aming mga kakampi mula doon sa sulok ng Mamasapano sa Maguindanao. Hindi namin alam kung karapat-dapat ba ang aming pagkawala gayong napakaraming tanong at agam-agam.

Gayunpaman, salamat sa pagturing sa amin bilang mga bagong bayani. Salamat sa medalya at plake ng katapangan na inyong ibinigay sa bawat isa sa aming miyembro ng binansagang “Fallen 44.” Pero ngayong wala na kami, at may naiwan kaming pamilya at responsibilidad, nawa’y mapakinggan ninyo ang aming mga munting kahilingan.

Sana ay mabigyan ng hustisya ang aming pagsasakripisyo, sapagkat wala nang mas sasakit pa sa isang kamatayang napakalabo (o walang) ng dahilan. Sana ay mapabilis ang paghahanap ng buong katotohanan, dahil mas nahihirapan ang aming pamilya na magpatuloy sa buhay nang hindi nakakamit ang inaasam nilang hustisya sa likod ng madugong bakbakan.

Sa aming asawa at mga pamilya, sana ay lagi ninyong ikwento ang aming istorya sa ating mga anak at magiging anak, sa aming mga kapatid, at sa mga susunod na henerasyon. Lagi ninyong ikwento ang kagandahan ng buhay na inilaan para sa bayan. Ituro ninyo sa kanila ang tamang uri ng pag-ibig – ang pag-ibig na hindi lamang para sa sarili kundi para sa nakararami; ang pag-ibig na kayang ibigay ang lahat para sa pangarap. ‘Wag sana ninyo kaming ibaon sa limot, sapagkat kung may mas masakit sa kamatayan, ito ay ang makalimutan.

Sa aming mga kadre, mga kapwa nagseserbisyo para sa bansa, sana ay huwag kayong matakot magpatuloy. Sana ay huwag kayong panghinaan ng loob na gawin ang inyong sinumpaang tungkulin, gaano man ka-delikado o kawalang kasiguruhan ang ating gingawa para sa bayan. Sa aming pagkawala, hindi namin alam kung makakamit ba ang kapayapaang ating inaasam, o kung mahuhuli ba ang mga may kasalanan sa batas, pero alam naming namatay kaming lumalaban. Serve and Protect lang, mga tropa.

Sa kabataan, sana ay huwag kayong matakot na tahakin ang landas tungo sa magandang bukas. Gumawa kayo ng mga bagay na may kabuluhan, sa paanong paraan man na inyong makakayanan. Sana ay tulungan ninyo ang aming hanay sa paggawa ng pagbabago, sapagkat hindi namin ito mararating kung kami lamang. Kailangan namin ng tulong ninyo, bilang mga taong punong-puno ng ideyalismo at pangarap. Samahan ninyo kami sa aming paglalakbay tungo sa mapayapang Pilipinas.

Sa sambayanan, sana ay maging mabuti kayong halimbawa sa mga susunod pang henerasyon. Tama na ang sisihan, panahon na para gumawa ng paraan. Patunayan ninyong hindi sayang ang aming buhay sa pamamagitan ng pagpapatuloy sa aming nasimulan. Sana ay magkaisa kayong lahat sa hangaring maayos ang ating sambayan. Isa lang ang Pilipinas, kaya’t sana’y magkaisa ang mga Pilipino – walang babae o lalaki, walang buo o kalahati, walang Muslim o Kristiyano.

Hindi kami ang unang nagsakripisyo, ngunit sana, kami na ang huli.

Sana.

Para sa bayan,

#Fallen44

It's Worth the Pain

The last quarter of 2014 has been, by far, the most challenging quarter of my life. Mainly because it was the quarter when I gave up my job at Project PEARLS for graduate studies. Well, it wasn’t really that I regret my choices as I believe we are responsible for the choices we make. The thing was, I think I didn’t have enough time to digress from the routine I have for the last seven months, like going to the communities I embraced and almost made my own, the children who greet me every time I go the areas we serve, the volunteers who I became friends with. Maybe it’s true that it’s really hard to just simply set aside something you’ve loved and you’ve considered your life, but life has to move forward and there will always come a time where new beginnings should be made.

It’s hard to build another story from scratch, but it’s always worth the pain.

In November, I started going back to school for my graduate studies. I was able to pass the Polytechnic University of the Philippine’s qualifying examinations for the Master’s Program, and eventually enrolled under Masters in Communication with Specialization in Communication Management program. The first few weeks were as boring as one could imagine, but the succeeding weeks were equally thrilling and insightful. The good thing about the liberal education PUP is promoting is that it invites healthy discussions, and accepts constructive criticisms and scrutiny. There were days where debates could really heat up (especially in our Public Information Campaigns class, where our professor is the Communications Head of the Government Information Office, and the class is a mixture of social democrats, re-affirmists, humanists, etc.)

While it was a good start for a new story, there were still a lot of questions. Why did I leave my job for this? Was the decision right? What would happen to me in the process? Will employers still accept me? Where did I go wrong?

There were too many questions I never dared to answer anyway. Simply because I already was too worried about the future I forgot to worry about the present. I was too engrossed with the problems that only exist in my mind. This 2015, I told myself there should be more than just simply asking.

           

One morning I told myself to stop asking why and start knowing how. I realized there are still more work to be done and life is a never-ending process of giving and taking, of loving and losing, of ending and beginning.

I’m still nowhere in the middle, but what’s more important is that I already started.

It’s hard to build another story from scratch, but it’s always worth the pain.

Of Leaving and Coming Back

Two years.

The past two years (2013, 2014) have been special, and life has its fair share of ups and downs. The past 730 days were spent very well, for all the things that has happened in my life. There were days of certain happiness, of surprisingly good rides, of unexpected meetings of hearts and minds, of regrets, of longing and losing, of leaving and coming back. There were 'normal' days, and there were days I wished had never existed at all.

Why did I leave? Or why did I not write for the past two years, considering the roller coaster ride of emotions and events? What was I thinking in the process? Why was it so easy for me to forsake the thing I have always loved? 

Truth is, I never left writing. I could never leave writing as it has been an almost reflex action for me when I feel good [but mostly bad]. Maybe the right words to describe the hiatus was that I've gone more private. You see, my life has been constantly open to everyone, especially to my  friends. When I feel too terrible about the government and its actions, I write my position about it. When I feel hurt, broken or dysfunctional, I write it out and share to people my thoughts and feelings. The open web has been my "feels" buddy, hoping that sharing it to the public would ease the pain or would make a change or would actually matter. While there are no standard measurements to know all about these, I just feel like I've never done enough.

In 2013, I've focused more on my schooling, since it was the final lap of my college life. Being a senior student was tougher than I thought it would, especially when you are a Public Relations major. There's an org you have to run as a committee chairperson, there's a new batch you have to guide so that when you leave, they are ready to take over, there were events to be staged, there were competitions you join and win, but mostly there were classes to attend, exams to pass, campaigns to be done, films to make, designs to think of, and the list goes on.

I wonder how on earth I have managed to survive [and do] these things, especially that there's a thesis to finish. Personally, I had an aim to receive the "Best Thesis Award" particularly because research has always been my favorite subject [and that if there's a chance to teach in PLM, I would really choose to be a Research Instructor]. I was so engrossed in the research processes I never thought time flew that fast.

I managed to survive the year. I have received accolades and awards [a Student Quill Merit Award, at that], I have submitted academic requirements, staged the events I've always thought of doing, finally passed my Technical Writing class [which I failed in my first take, and the first and last academic failure I've had in my life], became a part [and the concept creator] of a documentary about the Million People March [which, by the way won the Gold Award from the College of Liberal Arts' Documentary Filmmaking competition], have produced a full-length film entitled "Ching Chong Chinatown," [which was hailed as the Best Film, Full Length Category in the 2nd PLM-CMC Gawad Alon para sa Pelikula]. met more like-minded people, broke walls and built more bridges. There were a lot of good things that happened in 2013, and I actually claimed it as my year.

In 2014, there were more awards received, I graduated from college, had my first job, eventually my second job, and then I traveled places, necessarily burned bridges [and/or] built walls, reconnected with some important people. summing up the year and all that's happened are in this note.

Romantic relationships weren't that much of a priority for the past two years, as I've wanted to focus on my academics, and eventually, my working life. Although there were actually instances I felt like I actually needed someone to at my side, to share my stories, my rants about life and living, to share my victories, and to love me unconditionally. But because I am a chaser, and not willing to wait [hmm, okay. Most of the time.], I tried to make wrong people right. The results weren't something to be proud of. I tried looking for love over the internet, social dating apps, but of course there were only few people who are actually looking for serious stuff in these apps or whatever. There were some serious people, too, but those always end with being serious friends. Not. A. Bad. Thing. Though. (Hi, Dom!)

I was known by friends as the most sentimental person in the world. I cry over the littlest things and I value the smallest details of everything. A simple gesture could mean a lot to me, and being that sentimental and appreciative person are in my core of being [you could also read my alphabet of feelings never said in this page]. The past two years, I've tried to be strong, not for anybody else but for myself. I know I just have to be emotionally strong. While crying is not a bad thing [emotionally and well, scientifically], too much crying is just making me a plain target of pains and torments. I tried to lessen the crying that there was a time I just broke down, crying over the layers of self-disappointments, regrets, and could-have-beens. I'm trying to be more mindful about what I think now.

So yes, now I am finally reviving this space, the space for my personal thoughts because (1) it really helped me unload my thoughts and feelings, and (2) because I'm trying to create a space where I could inspire people through my experiences and thoughts. I hope you'd walk along in this journey with me.

My personal favorite blogger, Isa Garcia said in her post, The Staying Philosophy that, "...heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return." I have experienced leaving, walked through and got lost in unknown abysses of life, met wonderful people in the process, and that has made me the person that I am today. I may have left this space for some time, but what's important is that I am coming back, as a better version of myself and as a person who's willing to be more open to life's great surprises.

Please be with me in this journey, again.